I got a stubborn heart for you.
Looks like it's gonna be that way for 2012.
Happy new year guys.
How do you mend a broken heart? What must you do to make things right? What can you do to make her feel that way again? All this questions in my head. I know she needs time, but will she forget me after that? Will I be just a speck of dust to her? Will I just be a thing of the past?
How do you live when you know she's the one, but you messed it up and now she's just out there, waiting for someone else to pick up the pieces and make her happy again? Tell me how do you live, when you are trying to make things right, but it's just not the same anymore? How can I live when I know I can't be there for her when she needs someone, when she's happy, sad or what ever moments she goes true. I just don't know how.
I'm surviving, but I'm barely breathing.
What I want for christmas is not much. I just to seek forgiveness from the people I have hurt throughout the year. I have done bad and I apologize from the bottom of my heart.
I believe I am a nice guy, seriously. I just lost my way and in result cause a lot of hurt. I blame myself every single day for that. There's nothing much I can do. I know god will judge me, but until then, all I can do is try to make things right, in time.
Merry Christmas everyone. Hope everyone had a great time.
My Christmas eve was pretty awesome. I cooked dinner for the family, went to Penang to attend mass and was stuck in a jam.
I also cried myself to sleep.
Best Christmas Ever.
The heart is a complex matter. It keeps you alive, pumping blood throughout the blood vessels. When you are excited, your heart beats faster. When you are guilty or sad, your heart feels heavy. Your heart also identifies what you really want, that's why we say follow your heart.
All the while, my heart tells me what I really wanted. The brain on the other hand is what you are. For me, I was the idiot. My judgement was clouded, I was rash. The decision I made was not fated but it's a result of impatience and confusion.
The heart hurts every single day. Sleepless nights are a norm now. I wake up each day with a sigh knowing what went wrong and I single handedly destroyed everything.
I could have listened to my heart, but my brain over-thought, I made the wrong call. I did not consult anyone close to me, I shunned everyone away.
It was my dumb brain that created all this mess.
She said, it's no use for me to try. It hurts when I heard that, but I was smiling a little. For the first time after so long, she actually replied me. It was bittersweet.
I'll wait for another day, until you call my name, until I hold you in my arms, until I whisper in your ear the three words you want to hear and I will never betray you, I will never hurt you, I will never leave your side.
Yesterday my friend told me that there are worst things that could have happened to me, so I should be grateful. It's true. I know I'm going through a difficult time. We all have our problems, but sometimes we must also appreciate what we have around us at the moment.
I was blog walking and I happened to see my friend was involved in an accident. Looking at the picture of the car, It hit me. Things can go horribly wrong any second. It's really scary that one minute you're alive and you might not be the next. I'm really glad that she's all right and so are her friends.
I know I've done bad. I know I might or might not get the chance to make it right. But I'll appreciate all the things around me, little or big. I'll keep on working my way back, I'll stay positive, I'll look at the bright side, because I am grateful that I'm alive today and I have so much to be thankful of.
I'll do whatever I can. :)
I want to scream out loud. I just want to go to the end of the world and scream my lungs out. Somewhere fucking far away from here and just let it all out. There's no one for me to talk to, no one I can really share how I feel.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I've got so much in my mind. So much to say to you.
I'm working things out, in the mean time, there's nothing I could do but wait. You don't even want to see me. But what else could I ask for, I created this mess.
My heart hurts knowing what I have done.
It is all in our hands, we make our own decisions and we must be able to handle the consequences. I can make it right because I choose to make it right. Even though if it's not going to be easy.
Give me the strength to be patient. Teach me that sometimes when you wait, you are waiting for the best. But my mind keeps spinning around, asking myself, how can someone love another person again, when they have hurt them so much? How is that possible?
No I'm not. But I'm trying to be. I try to keep myself busy, but again, the heart never listens. Probably because I did not listened, now it's making me.
Wake up in the morning missing you. Life has never been this empty. Try to distract myself by playing rock band. The heart never listens does it?
Went through our photos yesterday. Our trip to Redang. We took a walk on the beach when the sun came up, I held your hand when we swam in the seas. You put on a white dress for me just because you know I love it. Now everything is just a distant memory.
I kept every single picture of us together. Everywhere we've been, everything we've done.
A close friend of mine told me today that when a person is hurt, they will start building a wall to protect themselves. They don't want to get hurt again so they block every single thing that is the source of hurt. Once the wall is up, it will be difficult to break through.
Trust is fragile. Always appreciate what you have.
I wake up everyday with a sigh. I had a dream last night that we were together. It really was just a dream.
Sometimes you make a mistake, then you end up hurting the people around you. This is the moment when I feel i definitely don't deserve anything at all. :)
Days are so long now that you are gone. Every single second feels like hours. Thoughts spinning in my head, makes me want to run away. Wish I can see your face, hold you in my arms. But all that's left are just photographs, and a broken heart.
I am sad, but it won't stop me from living my life. I learn from my mistakes. I'll continue to live. I'll improve and experience. It will only make me a better person in the future, and maybe, just maybe, you'll be here in my arms. The heart has been yours, always have been.
I remember the night when I wanted to ask you to be my girl. We were in KLCC, I was expecting to fail. I wasn't really happy with how things are going. But I gathered my courage, and after dinner at the food court, I ask you out for a walk in the park. It was a beautiful night, we strolled, talked about stuffs, and ended up on that bridge, overlooking the twin towers. It was magical, the best thing that has happened to me. I held your hand, and you didn't let go. I knew this is something good.
Our first trip was Christmas. It was our first month anniversary. We went out with your friends. You dragged me up the roller coaster. It was my first time, I was scared. You were beside me. We had so much fun. At night, we went for Christmas countdown in first world hotel. I held you close, as the clock strike midnight. We didn't manage to get a room, so we slept outside in the lobby. You were lying on my lap, and I was snoozing off, and drooled on you, which was pretty hilarious.
First New Year together. I told you I didn't like crowds. We bought KFC over at KL Sentral and went back to my place for candlelight dinner. We held hands as we slept. Well, I wasn't sleeping, because I was happy.
We had our ups and downs, highs and lows. I remember our first time being apart for so long. You had 3 months break, and I was in KL for my semester. We managed to get through it.
I also remember the day you made me cry. It was an april fools prank. You said I always fool you, and you finally got me.
I had issues with you going to clubs, pursuing modelling. We argued, but I never stopped you. It was because I know at the end of the day, you will still be here in my arms.
Time pass so fast. 1 year became 2, 2 years became 3 and then came 4. I went to the UK to further my studies. It was tough being away from you. Before I left, you gave me a present. Something that I will make me remember you. It was pictures that you took, with a T-Shirt that says I love Noel. In my mind, I just wanted to hold you tight and never let go.
During my time in the UK, we skype a lot. I got a simcard that can call you cheap, and we talked on the phone. Due to time difference, I can only talk to you early in the morning or in the evening. I missed you a lot during that period.
Then you told me you got into SIA. I was happy for you, but deep down, I know it wasn't a good idea. Still, I didn't wanted to stop you from doing something that you love. So I supported you, because it was the right thing to do.
You left for Singapore while I was still in the UK. I was worried you would be alone there, but you made new friends. You learnt to be independent. You were ok without me. I was proud of you, but it made me afraid as well. I was afraid that you would just cast me aside.
During my days in Europe, I was always trying to find a way to get to you. I remember when I was in Italy, I panicked because I couldn't call you. I reloaded my prepaid card and when I finally got you, I felt relieved. Although it cost me 10 pounds for that few minutes, It was worth every penny.
I came back during October, and I still didn't get to see you, because you were in Singapore. You decided to come back to Penang. It has been 5 months since we last saw each other. When we finally saw each other in the airport, I hugged you, you were in my arms again. You said you felt funny at first because we did not see each other for so long.
You started your first flight as a trainee. Flight to India, as I remembered. You were nervous, but I calmed you down. I believed in you and you did do a great job. It was uphill from then. You enjoyed your job, getting to travel. You complained about the difficulties, but I didn't mind. I listened because I know you just want someone to be there.
I then got my first job. We were so excited when I got the call from Intel. You supported me all the way through everything I do. You tried to come back once a month to see me. We put in a lot of effort to make this work.
Convocation day, the day that I will never forget. A girl came out of the blue, dressed in white. Surprised the hell out of me. She's the one, I told myself. I was so happy that you came. I just kept smiling for the whole day.
and then, I fucked up. I fucked up the best thing I ever had. I don't know what got into me. I made the biggest mistake I can ever make. I let you go. I was so cruel towards you. I didn't gave us a chance. Maybe we were apart for too long, I was weak. We were going strong. But we had so many changes, I moved to a new house, started a new job, I just got caught in all the changes and I lost my head. Everything happened so fast, and I am starting to realize it only now. I am the biggest idiot. I hurt you bad. I just rip out your heart and threw all our effort down the drain.
And now, all I'm left with is a broken heart. Finally realizing what I have done, its slowly killing me. If only I was stronger. If only I listened to you. We would be happy but It's all gone.
You said you move on, I'm just starting to pick up the pieces. My friend's advised me to move on. Why should I care for someone that doesn't care for me anymore. Maybe you are thinking the same way, because I left you stranded in the dark.
But deep down I know, I will never let you go. Even if it takes 2, 3 or 4 years, I'll just have to be patient. Even I know all you have is hatred for me, even though the chances are slim, I will always be here. I'll be the man who can't be move.
I really hope you can give me a chance to start over. I pray to god. I pray for a miracle.
Exactly. When a heart breaks it don't break even.
I'm a mess.
"The man who can't be move". I'm human after all.
