So far in the week

I'm feeling a lot better, a lot more optimistic. Probably due to David Choi because his voice is just so soothing. There's this song call This is a way, just makes me want to do all the things for her without any consideration.

Life has been alright. I still have sleepless nights every day. Been trying to eat less and exercise more. I'm down with some back problems. Been to the physio, gotta correct my sitting position. Probably because of my ankle and my knee injuries.

I was feeling like crap for the past few weeks, I still do sometimes. I got wasted in my own home on Christmas day. Pretty fucked up as my parents were there and they have never seen me drunk. Basically I locked myself in the bathroom for half an hour I think. The pain was unbearable I just wanted to rip my heart out. The next day as usual, the "I'll never drink again, Oh god why" feeling comes as the hangover kicks in. I vomited again which I already did the night before.

I was in a bad state, I blamed myself, well I never stopped blaming myself, It is my decision, I have to bear with the consequences. To know that you have create so much hurt to someone who gave everything for you, that's cruel. I am, cruel. Never have I see myself being such a person. Yea, life isn't a bed of roses. Sometimes we make the right decisions, sometimes we don't.

I am in the hurt locker right now. I can't escape this. It's a long road to forgiveness, but I've made my decision to walk this road, bound with shackles, looking towards the light, if it ever exist.

I'm thankful for my friends, especially Mon Ping and Ai Khim. They were there to pull me through this. They made me realize that I need to be a better person if I were to embark on this journey. They gave me the harsh truth, and most of all, they still support me, even all the things that I have done, even when I didn't deserve it. I also am thankful for guys like Darren and Vinesh. One is the critic and the other is the lover. One always pulls the rational side of me back while the other shows me that love has so much more to offer. They encourage me and motivate me when I needed it. I'm grateful to all of you.

After all, I deserve to be judged. What have I become? This turning point in my life have make me realize a lot about myself. Sometimes, I make decision rashly, I don't consult my friends or even my family, I assume and most of all, I didn't understand the meaning of love. It's hard to swallow, but I have to.

Love is where you are willing to do anything for each other, love is even when you are far apart, you still try to make an impact in each others life, love is where the little things mean more than expensive gifts, love is when you enjoy being with each other, even though you are just sitting on the couch, watching a movie. I admit, I do not understand much about love, like life, it's a journey, not a destination. However, I do know, I'm willing to let everything go, just for another chance to make it right, and I want to make this journey, with her.

Action speaks louder than words, if you feel that you deserve it, just go for it, don't look back. I won't look back, because I know, she's my future.