I'm feeling a lot better, a lot more optimistic. Probably due to David Choi because his voice is just so soothing. There's this song call This is a way, just makes me want to do all the things for her without any consideration.
Life has been alright. I still have sleepless nights every day. Been trying to eat less and exercise more. I'm down with some back problems. Been to the physio, gotta correct my sitting position. Probably because of my ankle and my knee injuries.
I was feeling like crap for the past few weeks, I still do sometimes. I got wasted in my own home on Christmas day. Pretty fucked up as my parents were there and they have never seen me drunk. Basically I locked myself in the bathroom for half an hour I think. The pain was unbearable I just wanted to rip my heart out. The next day as usual, the "I'll never drink again, Oh god why" feeling comes as the hangover kicks in. I vomited again which I already did the night before.
I was in a bad state, I blamed myself, well I never stopped blaming myself, It is my decision, I have to bear with the consequences. To know that you have create so much hurt to someone who gave everything for you, that's cruel. I am, cruel. Never have I see myself being such a person. Yea, life isn't a bed of roses. Sometimes we make the right decisions, sometimes we don't.
I am in the hurt locker right now. I can't escape this. It's a long road to forgiveness, but I've made my decision to walk this road, bound with shackles, looking towards the light, if it ever exist.
I'm thankful for my friends, especially Mon Ping and Ai Khim. They were there to pull me through this. They made me realize that I need to be a better person if I were to embark on this journey. They gave me the harsh truth, and most of all, they still support me, even all the things that I have done, even when I didn't deserve it. I also am thankful for guys like Darren and Vinesh. One is the critic and the other is the lover. One always pulls the rational side of me back while the other shows me that love has so much more to offer. They encourage me and motivate me when I needed it. I'm grateful to all of you.
After all, I deserve to be judged. What have I become? This turning point in my life have make me realize a lot about myself. Sometimes, I make decision rashly, I don't consult my friends or even my family, I assume and most of all, I didn't understand the meaning of love. It's hard to swallow, but I have to.
Love is where you are willing to do anything for each other, love is even when you are far apart, you still try to make an impact in each others life, love is where the little things mean more than expensive gifts, love is when you enjoy being with each other, even though you are just sitting on the couch, watching a movie. I admit, I do not understand much about love, like life, it's a journey, not a destination. However, I do know, I'm willing to let everything go, just for another chance to make it right, and I want to make this journey, with her.
Action speaks louder than words, if you feel that you deserve it, just go for it, don't look back. I won't look back, because I know, she's my future.
Woke up to 2012 feeling the same. Worst of all, I felt like an idiot. I don't know what's happening on her side, and I assume so many things, making myself look like a fool. I'm a fool for her. Well, I have always been a fool for her.
The feeling of trying to talk to somebody but they aren't replying your text, answering your calls is unbearable. Maybe silence is golden. Makes you think and reflect on the situation itself. It's better being ignored then being cursed at. Is it?
All I know is I'm willing to do what it takes, but of course I will think for myself as well. Nobody wants a guy that has nothing. I need to concentrate on my career as well. I'll also work my way back to her.
So here comes 2012, a rollercoaster ride. Come what may, I'll work my way through it.
Thanks to David Choi for accompanying me throughout the night. I mean, his youtube video. :)
I got a stubborn heart for you.
Looks like it's gonna be that way for 2012.
Happy new year guys.
How do you mend a broken heart? What must you do to make things right? What can you do to make her feel that way again? All this questions in my head. I know she needs time, but will she forget me after that? Will I be just a speck of dust to her? Will I just be a thing of the past?
How do you live when you know she's the one, but you messed it up and now she's just out there, waiting for someone else to pick up the pieces and make her happy again? Tell me how do you live, when you are trying to make things right, but it's just not the same anymore? How can I live when I know I can't be there for her when she needs someone, when she's happy, sad or what ever moments she goes true. I just don't know how.
I'm surviving, but I'm barely breathing.
What I want for christmas is not much. I just to seek forgiveness from the people I have hurt throughout the year. I have done bad and I apologize from the bottom of my heart.
I believe I am a nice guy, seriously. I just lost my way and in result cause a lot of hurt. I blame myself every single day for that. There's nothing much I can do. I know god will judge me, but until then, all I can do is try to make things right, in time.
Merry Christmas everyone. Hope everyone had a great time.
My Christmas eve was pretty awesome. I cooked dinner for the family, went to Penang to attend mass and was stuck in a jam.
I also cried myself to sleep.
Best Christmas Ever.
The heart is a complex matter. It keeps you alive, pumping blood throughout the blood vessels. When you are excited, your heart beats faster. When you are guilty or sad, your heart feels heavy. Your heart also identifies what you really want, that's why we say follow your heart.
All the while, my heart tells me what I really wanted. The brain on the other hand is what you are. For me, I was the idiot. My judgement was clouded, I was rash. The decision I made was not fated but it's a result of impatience and confusion.
The heart hurts every single day. Sleepless nights are a norm now. I wake up each day with a sigh knowing what went wrong and I single handedly destroyed everything.
I could have listened to my heart, but my brain over-thought, I made the wrong call. I did not consult anyone close to me, I shunned everyone away.
It was my dumb brain that created all this mess.
She said, it's no use for me to try. It hurts when I heard that, but I was smiling a little. For the first time after so long, she actually replied me. It was bittersweet.
I'll wait for another day, until you call my name, until I hold you in my arms, until I whisper in your ear the three words you want to hear and I will never betray you, I will never hurt you, I will never leave your side.
Yesterday my friend told me that there are worst things that could have happened to me, so I should be grateful. It's true. I know I'm going through a difficult time. We all have our problems, but sometimes we must also appreciate what we have around us at the moment.
I was blog walking and I happened to see my friend was involved in an accident. Looking at the picture of the car, It hit me. Things can go horribly wrong any second. It's really scary that one minute you're alive and you might not be the next. I'm really glad that she's all right and so are her friends.
I know I've done bad. I know I might or might not get the chance to make it right. But I'll appreciate all the things around me, little or big. I'll keep on working my way back, I'll stay positive, I'll look at the bright side, because I am grateful that I'm alive today and I have so much to be thankful of.
I'll do whatever I can. :)
I want to scream out loud. I just want to go to the end of the world and scream my lungs out. Somewhere fucking far away from here and just let it all out. There's no one for me to talk to, no one I can really share how I feel.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I've got so much in my mind. So much to say to you.
I'm working things out, in the mean time, there's nothing I could do but wait. You don't even want to see me. But what else could I ask for, I created this mess.
My heart hurts knowing what I have done.
It is all in our hands, we make our own decisions and we must be able to handle the consequences. I can make it right because I choose to make it right. Even though if it's not going to be easy.
Give me the strength to be patient. Teach me that sometimes when you wait, you are waiting for the best. But my mind keeps spinning around, asking myself, how can someone love another person again, when they have hurt them so much? How is that possible?
